I'm struggling to regain the positivity I had less than a week ago and although I know that I'm barely finished this phase of treatment, I'm already thinking about 'what ifs'.
I am distressed when I look at Toby and feel anxious that worst case scenario I will be leaving him on his own so to speak - I have failed to provide him with a brother or a sister for company as he gets older... nobody to lean on when both of us are gone.
I am concerned about leaving people behind and needing to know they will be okay - Tim and my immediate family in particular... the thought of my grandparents outliving me is also distressing - I'm not sure how they'd cope, being frail and elderly.
We farewelled a beautiful old aunty yesterday at her rememberance lunch, and I'm left wondering if a combination of this, and my dream the other night was a precursor to this down patch. I'm not sure how to build myself back up again, I know it's not helpful to mind, body or spirit to operate in the negative.
One positive that can be drawn out of today is that there is now only 6 more treatments to go at radiotherapy which will bring phase one to a close, I am looking forward to not having to go into town every day, as well as getting back to work for a few hours a week - I have dearly missed my team and the children.
Tomorrow brings the cutting and styling of my second 'new hair'. I am looking forward to this appointment as I want to be able to have a choice of which one I wear to the work do in a couple of weeks time!
Next time I post, I promise I'll be better