Wednesday, 13 June 2012

The blogging process has made me discover...

how easy it is to forget or not worry about posting when things are going swimmingly and the outlook is positive all round.

Now there is a lot to catch up on - and on a 'one of those days' kind of days, when everything becomes a bit too overwhelming for what ever reason and the tears begin to flow.

In fairness to myself, it has been 2 or so months since a melt down similar to what I experienced this afternoon, however I will be glad beyond gladness if it stays away again for just as long.

Since ending the 6 Chemotherapy cycles mid-April (including a drug brand change for cycles 4 & 5 and allergic reactions that followed suit - cycle 6 was back to the old brand sourced from somewhere else!) I have been enjoying my freedom from drug timetables and hospital appointments, I have been immersed in my part time teaching and the never-ending tasks involved with studying for my degree upgrade, we have been planning our wedding and with only 16 weeks to go have begun a last ditch effort to lose some weight and get a bit fitter... high hopes I know, but after a week I'm winning the race with a 2kg loss :o)

So we've been pretty busy, the house renovation has been signed off and a fantastic re-valuation has been issued so we will be able to re-finance and sort out some bills in the very near future.

Think we might have talked Mr Oncology into letting me drive a bit earlier than the previous time-frame of April-October next year... we've broken him down and he said if I keep behaving that he might look at Christmas time - Yay!

Things have been looking up - really up - and I have been feeling fantastic and in great spirits, on top of things in the game of life and very happy.

Toby has celebrated his 7th Birthday, and a couple of days ago I turned 31... here's hoping this year is better than number 30 - in a strange way the brain cancer thing still feels so surreal, like my 30th year was a GAP year out of my life... I'd like to slot back in to my previous being now though please, I've had enough and would like to get off the bus.

This afternoon brought about a follow up from Dr Wicks - a consultant from Wellington Neuro-surgical unit.  Although we'd never met him on our previous visits, it was nice to finally put a face to the name and get some answers to a few questions.  The whole experience was depressing, and this was what began the melt...
There was no bad news, but there was no great news either.  He was very attentive and answered Tim's questions fully and gently.  He was clear about the next steps should there be a recurrence, however didn't tell us anything that I didn't already know... I perhaps was unreasonable to hope for some new breakthrough he had saved just for me, or a new wonder-drug that wipes the bastard out good and for all. Nothing new on the treatment horizon to report, no cure....yet.  I can only hope that by adding the concept of yet, will miraculously align the planets in the right way that some very clever scientist will find something with my name on it, and rush to my door to test it out on me.  Hospitals are depressing and I hate them... the more I am required to attend the more my hate develops.

Repeat scan due early August, meet again with Neurosurgery 22nd August...prayers and fingers crossed until then please!

Have been reading and researching about cannabis oil and how it seems to be a miracle aid for people suffering from cancer - I hate the term suffering because I'm not - for people kicking the shit out of cancer, and apparently it helps. Something to do with the cannabinoids in the oil that kill off tumour cells.  You don't even have to smoke it - although I would if I needed to!  Now to friendly myself with somebody in the know... gotta try the hemp oil, it can't make me high and I doubt it can do more damage than the nasty if it decides to try and come back!

My Tim has been amazingly strong today, propping me up when I needed to be held - he just knows when I need him and I can't wait to be his wife - I'm just so terribly gutted that all this drama has happened, I never intended for our life together to be this way.

I am tucked up in bed, ready to hit the pillow and already I am looking forward to tomorrow...I know it won't necessarily be better, it will just be different - I will be pleased to wake and grateful for the small things.

The big thing for me is support, and this became apparent in the multitude of birthday wishes and messages I received. Even though we may not be in contact often, it's the little messages from friends, family and supporters that pop up out of nowhere and make my day.

Arohanui xxx

1 comment:

  1. Wenywoo! I, too, have had months of relative peace and almost feel guilty for not posting. How was your scan on 22nd? My next one is sep 5

    Hope all is well...stay strong!