Thursday 27 October 2011

Dreams have...

a funny way to make one address ones' subconscious... they have the ability to be so vivid and realistic that at times they can be unnerving and rattle one to the core.


I dreamt in the early hours of this morning that I was surrounded by my family and it was in this dream that I became aware of the fact I was preparing to be euthanised... morbid I know but we can't control our dreams can we?!  The weird thing about it was that in my dream I was pottering about still appearing quite well so I'm not entirely sure if my mind was taking the piss and half tricking with the seriousness of what I woke up thinking about.

 A condition like this is one way to face quite dramatically my own mortality and as much as I try not to think about it, these wee things (dreams) can sneak in when all is looking rosy as far as attitudes and outlooks go and shake things up a bit.  The thing that disturbed me the most about the dream was that Toby was there - not that he was present as such, but he was still looking so young while I was preparing to meet my end, and this to me as a mummy was not okay.

Any way - that's my wee moment over and done with, and the scary stuff out of the way for the next little while... I am LIVING with Anaplastic Astrocytoma; I am NOT dying from one - you hear me?!?!

I'm still bald, and gradually getting balder by the day I think!  There's a very sore spot appearing on the crown of my head today so not only will I be bald along the front (can see my VERY straight scar perfectly now) but I may very well have a bald patch on the back too.  I've stopped feeling sad about it and have decided that as soon as my radiotherapy has finished I'll get Tim to take the remaining hair off to a number 4 and the wait will begin for new hair to grow... need some fertiliser me thinks - do they still make Regaine?!

9 more to go - WOO HOO!!  We are down to single digits which is super exciting.  Not that I don't want to see my wonderful team at radiation Oncology as they are excellent company but I will be glad to be rid of the department, and hope like hell not to have to see them again... any time soon anyway!

I'm looking forward to NOT having to travel into town every day... it gets a bit old and no longer a novelty.  I'm looking forward to a 3 week break before my next treatment phase begins.
I'm looking forward to a good friend coming to stay tomorrow night for a catch up.
I'm looking forward to the work do next month
I'm looking forward to getting back to work for a few hours a week - have missed it very much.
I'm looking forward to trying on dresses and planning things of a wedding persuasion.
I'm looking forward to becoming well and being rid of hospitals.

I could go on for a while about things I look forward to, but I'll save some just for me ;0)

Love, light and hugs xxx

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