These last few days...

have not been ideal for me in a 'frame of mind' kinda way... really needing some positive energy about now!  It's not been an 'I got some bad news' sadness, it's just 'a holy crap I've got brain cancer and how long am I gonna last' sadness...I'm guessing it's quite normal to have these feelings but up until now it's not really registered with me and I don't like it!

I'm struggling to regain the positivity I had less than a week ago and although I know that I'm barely finished this phase of treatment, I'm already thinking about 'what ifs'.

I am distressed when I look at Toby and feel anxious that worst case scenario I will be leaving him on his own so to speak - I have failed to provide him with a brother or a sister for company as he gets older... nobody to lean on when both of us are gone.

I am concerned about leaving people behind and needing to know they will be okay - Tim and my immediate family in particular... the thought of my grandparents outliving me is also distressing - I'm not sure how they'd cope, being frail and elderly.

We farewelled a beautiful old aunty yesterday at her rememberance lunch, and I'm left wondering if a combination of this, and my dream the other night was a precursor to this down patch.  I'm not sure how to build myself back up again, I know it's not helpful to mind, body or spirit to operate in the negative.

One positive that can be drawn out of today is that there is now only 6 more treatments to go at radiotherapy which will bring phase one to a close, I am looking forward to not having to go into town every day, as well as getting back to work for a few hours a week - I have dearly missed my team and the children.

Tomorrow brings the cutting and styling of my second 'new hair'.  I am looking forward to this appointment as I want to be able to have a choice of which one I wear to the work do in a couple of weeks time!

Next time I post, I promise I'll be better

Arohanui xx